Over/Under

Some days it feels like normal

Like the weight of sorrow has been lifted

And deep piercing pain healed

Other days it all comes back

And rages

Loss. Pain. Futility.

Why did it ever happen?

Why was I so fucking stupid?

I feel alive! I feel creative! I feel powerful! I’m not bored! Or bound! I’m free

It was all a lie.

Because it can’t exist.

I can’t exist

And for a moment I did. And I knew it.

I’ll go back to the nothing from which i came

I surrender

To the darkness.

To routine

To death

To pain

To loss

Someone has to hurt.

And I have to choose

I don’t want to be selfish

So I choose me.